Grace in a Marriage

Grace in the Christian faith, in a marriage cannot be earned or merited (Ephesians 2:8-9). It can neither be done on a need basis or a performance basis.

A natural tendency is to give love when our spouse acts lovingly toward us and to withhold love when they disconnect from us. But this is not what love is all about. This tendency puts your relationship under the law, and a law-based connection will never experience grace. The hallmark of a truly intimate couple is to provide grace even when your spouse has neither earned nor deserved it.

When one of you is being selfish, hurtful, or critical it needs to be dealt with right away even though part of you wants to walk away right now. You need to communicate and get things straightened out. Don’t let this kind of hurt come between you. It only spirals downward and gets worse. Be the first to ask what is really bothering your spouse.

In our self-centeredness it’s real easy to protest that you might be the injured party and that it’s really your spouse’s job to apologize and make changes. But by having that attitude you will mess up your communication connection. You need to get out of the law orientation, and give your spouse grace by taking the first step to move forward. Both of you need to face the issue so it can be resolved. Your goal is to move forward in a positive way. Sometimes it’s just growing thicker skin (so to speak). Reaching a positive connection should always be your goal.

This next paragraph needs some deep thought.

What has been expressed is not about creating positive feelings in a struggling relationship. Feelings don’t come because we want them to. You must think that the path that works is to be for both of you and about your relationship. Connect as much as you can so you can be in the growth process. Don’t try and make yourself feel things, but create a context of grace that will grow feelings (My thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, pp. 79-80).

Sherry