Moving Forward
Whether you have a slightly or seriously lopsided relationship with your spouse, you can take the necessary steps to rescue your relationship.
The spouse who feels controlled is in a sense considered a slave, and is the one that needs to make the first step. You need to be heard and understood, because the more dominant spouse is a lot of times aware of the problem, in that they are not experiencing the loss of choice and don’t feel as deprived.
If you are the slave, you need to break out of your shackles! Tell your spouse that you want to feel the love, passion, and a desire for them that’s bottled up inside of you. You want to give them everything you have. Tell them that in order for you to experience those feelings you need to have some of the power and decision-making in the relationship’s choices and decisions.
You must also admit to your part of the problem that’s between you. Often it is the “slave” that has brought issues of passivity and compliance into the relationship. And the problem could be more about fears that keep the “slave” quiet. So taking charge won’t often happen with a reasonable, and non-controlling spouse. The “slave” must admit their contribution: fear of conflict, fear of responsibility for decisions, and (or) fear of failure. And there is also the fear of being put down for even suggesting there is a problem. Your spouse needs to know that they are not seen as a cruel person.
The spouse who has more control needs to see their part in the problem and give up some territory. Often times it’s that they haven’t been paying attention. And that in itself isn’t good. But awareness often spurs them to bring their spouse into balance with them. All too often there is a self-centeredness issue. The dominant one will be resistant to their spouse wanting power because they feel they are entitled to have things go their way.
Self-centeredness is not a Christian like virtue, and must be expelled in both spouses. Too often one’s eyes are not open to the issues that are affecting their marriage. The dominate spouse needs help in seeing how their dominance is hurting the one person they are to value the most.
Your relationship needs closeness, and love. Begin by communicating. Don’t get sidetracked on the choices and decisions. Those must serve your need to give and receive love. You both need to be in charge of the relationship. It’s all about how sharing decisions will help you both feel closer. You need your connection to be rescued and strengthened.
Old patterns aren’t easily broken. Boundaries will need to be set. Good relationships and struggling relationships all benefit when defined by clear delineations of power, choice, and respect for each other. When your connection protects and supports the balanced two-sided relationship, love will have room and encouragement to grow.
If you are the dominate spouse, give up some territory for the greatest gift God provides: a truly satisfying relationship. In view of the satisfying returns, there is no real sacrifice (My wording with Rescue Your Love Life, pp.64-66).
Sherry