Empty Fantasy List
This is a continuation from last week regarding false fantasies you envision and need to stay clear of.
You look at your spouse’s body and see more of what’s wrong than what you like. You then feel indifferent or turned off.
You notice some talent or trait of another man or woman and compare that to your spouse.
Your spouse interacts with you in a certain way, and you start wishing you were married to someone who isn’t like that.
You have a “partial” relationship with someone, such as a coworker or fellow church goer, that does not involve interacting with the whole person in a real relationship, and you fantasize that being with that person would be better than being with your spouse.
You look at fantasy material in magazines, the Internet, or the movies and wish you had someone such as that. Or by reading romance novels you have wishes your spouse was like the hero in the story.
You look back at a teenage love or think about one that got away and longingly compare your spouse to that person.
You look at who your spouse is not, or who they are not in comparison to your expectations, more than who they are in terms of the things you love about your spouse and the reason why you married in the first place.
A relationship is a connection to a real person, just the way he or she is. Real love is found with real people, all of who possess both beauty and flaws, good qualities and imperfections. If you choose a fantasy, you are going to hate reality. But reality is the only place you can find real and satisfying love.
Don’t allow a fantasy to interrupt building real love with a real person. You could always look at your spouse and see how someone else would be better in some way. But you are not in a real relationship with someone else. You are just in a fantasy with a specific part of that other person, such as physical beauty or an isolated personality component. If you were married to that person, you would then be in relationship with the whole, including present invisible flaws and imperfections. The fantasy would pop like a bubble, and you would not be happy with them either. You would soon be comparing their flaws to someone else. So throw away your list of ideals in your fantasy. It will just get in the way of loving the real person you are with. Again (because it can’t be said enough), communicate with your spouse. Look for the beauty and good stuff your spouse is made of. That’s how you did it in the beginning of your marriage. Let that romance blossom again (My thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, pp. 72, 73).
Sherry