Lopsided in Power
Often one-sided relationships result when a controlling partner is matched with a more compliant one. The controlling one is more dominant, takes charge and makes the decisions. The compliant one adapts, fits in, and supports. These relationships may look OK from the outside, but all is not well. Inside the relationship, the compliant one simply checks out and disconnects. One spouse doesn’t feel valued or respected, but stays quiet because they don’t like the arguing or fights that might ensue. Often the quiet spouse is afraid to take risks and responsibility for decisions. So they will give in to the dominant spouse to avoid conflict and will continue to distance themselves emotionally.
The dominant one will sense this withdrawal and become even more controlling. This is assuming that since asserting control worked before (maybe in finances) that it will work with matters of the heart. That’s when badgering and sometimes manipulation come into play. Ultimately that often fails. The compliant one burrows deeper inside self and their real feelings become more inaccessible. That’s when neither spouse gets what they need from each other.
The good news is that connection and love can be created by couples who want to understand and value a “both-sided” relationship. To solve this problem they must realize who might be the people pleaser and who might be considered the bossy and controlling one. Often the bossy and controlling one does not see it in that way, but think they are only being clear and assertive. One may have good judgements about things, but says it in the wrong manner or tone.
When you don’t possess your half of the power equation, your passion and desire shut down. It will only come out when you feel you have self-control and freedom. Feeling controlled and trapped is hurtful in any marriage.
Fixing this situation will come with a cost. One must back off and learn to keep quiet. One spouse will need to stop being dishonest about resenting being controlled and will have to learn to take the lead at times. There needs to be a balance of power between couples. Check opinions and other things out with your spouse without being controlling. Don’t try reading minds. A one sided relationship can change mutually if you are both seeking to bring out the love you first felt for each other in the beginning. It all begins with your mindset (My thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, pp. 61-63). Sherry Miller