What Self-Denial Looks Like

Love requires the effort of making an emotional connection, even when you least feel like it. It’s very natural to disconnect when you are stressed, tired, or upset with your spouse, and at times you feel you do need “me” time. But more often, you need to deny yourself the choice of being away from your relationship. Getting out of your comfort zone and connecting on the relationship’s terms, not your own, helps generate love and close feelings. That’s what you should want.

So, when both partners insist on playing fair, they enter a legalistic, scorekeeping, loveless emptiness. Try giving more than you receive in your love life, and deny yourself the demand for fairness. Don’t get put out when things seem imbalanced. Love gives up keeping score in order to gain connection and compassion. That’s very important to remember.

Practice learning to deny the strong urge to say to your mate exactly what you feel when you feel strong negative feelings about something. A lot of times this may feel lopsided because you feel you are the one always trying to do the fixing. But neglecting this discipline can sink your love life. Mates hurt each other deeply when they feel carte blanche to say anything to each other. Then they will often justify their hurtful statements by saying things like, “Well it’s true.” But just because it might be true doesn’t mean it’s the thing to say.

If you feel you need to say something ask yourself, “How would I feel if my spouse said that to me?” With this sort of approach you’ll often deny yourself of confronting every little thing your mate does.

Love, romance, and marriage require that you often give up selfish feelings for something better in the long run. Practice patience, timing, and waiting. Take time to connect from the heart and listen to each other. Those couples who can be patient and wait will always reap the greatest payoffs in the long run.

Freely deny yourself the things that would be an obstacle to the love both you and your spouse want. Love lives are rescued every day when one or both parties say no to the “I” for benefit of the much greater “we.” (My thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, p. 59-60). I hope this helps someone’s marriage. Sherry