Self Denial
Self-denial is the practice of postponing, or even giving up, activities and attitudes that block love and connection. In healthy marriages, self-denial is a daily way of living, relating, and thinking. And it is one of the most important keys to your love life. For the really selfish person this is extra work on their part.
Many think of love as being in the form of the person we have waited for, prayed for, and finally found. Then when you have finally found “the one” you feel your needs, wishes, longings, and hopes will all be fulfilled. You must realize that love here is indeed a transfer of grace, acceptance, comfort, and empathy between two people.
True lovers will go far beyond the idea that giving and receiving should be an easy and uncomplicated flow between the two of you. Starting a life together is only beginning at a beginners level. Relationships of two distinctly different people can be complex. Though you have a deep love for one another, you discover after a while that you ARE two separate people with many different ideas. That’s when it brings about the conflicts. The two of you have varying viewpoints, wants, needs, desires, values, and feelings.
When you get to this level of reality and you begin to question the authenticity and strength of your relationship don’t allow yourself to think this is too hard and that it doesn’t feel like love anymore. Don’t allow yourself to go there. It’s time to go to work at changing your way of thinking by communicating with your spouse, in seeking ways to alleviate the distance that has started to grow between you.
You can have that genuine love, but now you need to tweek your way of thinking and start thinking about someone other than your own selfish wants. Your spouse loves you for various reasons. Start learning to give in to things you may not like, but that will make your spouse happy. When this happens it’s a win, win situation because you will reap the rewards of a happy spouse. A happy spouse produces benefits in your favor.
Self-denial may indeed be painful, but it is really the only hope of connecting at a deep, intimate and passionate level. For way to many marriages this is what a spouse has wanted and waited for way too long. But couples who learn to understand and engage in self-denial get to a point where they never look back at the old days because what they have gained is so much better (My ideas thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, pp. 55, 56).
Sherry