Which One of You is Incomplete
When two incomplete people marry and have hopes that merging their strengths will make up for each other’s weaknesses, the result in not always the happiness they hope for. What happens is that each spouse comes to want from the other the things that that person does not possess.
One wants the other to be more relational, so that the one spouse feeling neglected can have someone to talk to and connect with. One feels lonely and starts pushing for their spouse to open up. That’s when the one being pressured will feel overwhelmed and will start to withdraw, not knowing what to do.
The problem is that one of you is not a people person, but may be a conqueror. That leaves a void because you may be awakened to seeing the need for something that your spouse doesn’t possess. The problem then arises where you both begin to tear each other down.
One wants more performance from the other – more attention to tasks, more responsibility in dealing with possibly finances or other daunting issues. Frustrations then mount. Disorganization, procrastination and inattentions to details carries it weight in tearing apart what could all be solved with some communication. Which is also a problem with way to many couples.
By expressing your frustrations to each other about inefficiencies and being misunderstood, the love attitudes that once attracted you together starts to wane. Being married to someone so completely different from yourself and then trying to connect isn’t easy. In fact, marriage will always be something the two of you have to work at every single day.
Don’t feel you’re alone in this area, and don’t get discouraged. The problem begins because wrong expectations were set up in the beginning of your marriage. Relationships are multiplicative. One-half and one-half does not equal one in relational math. When you got married you became as one person. So when you have one whole person and multiply his or her strengths by the other whole person. You then become unified with a mutual relationship that is incredibly strong. Remember, none of us is totally whole.
So by bringing each other down by what you think are legitimate demands you will continue to fight about a certain trait or traits for years if not addressed. This sinks marriages.
The key to breaking the pattern or blocking any tendency for it to appear in your marriage is realizing that all persons are incomplete. That includes yourself! A good place to start is by lowering your expectations. Realize that your spouse is still (and will continue to be) in the molding process, and God is at work making him or her into the complete person that both of you and especially God desires for your marriage. It will take praying for patience and being long-suffering with your spouse. The road will have pot holes, but they can be fixed (My personal thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, p.51, 42).
Sherry