Safety in Marriage

Every marriage is destined to take one of two paths - it will either succeed or fail. Period. In every interaction between spouses, each has a choice to make, you can either move toward creating and maintaining a safe environment, or you can fall into that trap of reacting to one another in ways that make your relational environment feel insecure and unsafe. Although it takes many things to create and maintain a marriage that thrills, one big factor is emotional safety. Why is emotional safety so important? Why should couples and counselors focus on it as being vital to their marriage? Emotional safety is crucial because the heart is the epicenter of life and relationships. Proverbs 4:23 makes this clear by stating, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” When the heart feels safe, it opens. When the heart feels fear or senses a threat, it closes. Both safety and fear set in motion chain reactions that lead to very different outcomes. When people feel safe, they are naturally inclined to open their hearts – and intimacy occurs naturally. If there is unrest in your marriage, you are not alone. Hearts can heal and become safe places when you learn the tools to use to mend the broken fences in your shared home. Start first by learning that your spouse needs to feel loved. Set your selfish desires aside and ask yourself if part of your marital dishevel doesn’t begin with you. But…..no buts – there are two of you and you need to learn to communicate. When people feel safe in any relationship, they open their hearts and reveal the “real” them. That’s the very definition of intimacy, feeling free to open up and reveal who we really are. Hold out your heart and say, “Here is who I am emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and mentally. I want you to know my heart and soul. I want you to get to know who I am and appreciate and value who I am. So let’s start life here because it will take more than one lifetime to understand all of who I am.” We feel emotionally safe with someone only when we believe that he or she will handle our heart along with our deepest feelings and desires, with genuine interest, curiosity and care. Most of us have very few people to whom we have entrusted our deepest dreams and thoughts. God designed us to hunger for intimacy and deep connection; to connect with others and experience relational intimacy, especially with the key human relationship with your spouse. Many will struggle with various respects of intimacy because it requires openness, and openness makes us instantly vulnerable. When you lay yourself open you can get hurt. Also, if trust has been broken in your marriage, a heart will close and you will start to disconnect. That’s when avoiding intimacy helps to keep you from hurt feelings, humiliation, and embarrassment. In reality we were created to connect. Remember - in spite of the risks, an intimate relationship offers enormous benefits. Intimacy creates the ideal opportunity to love deeply and be loved. It gives you a significant sense of belonging, a clear sense of purpose in life, and the ability to make a major difference in another’s life. The key and foundational component to fostering intimacy is a totally safe environment. Openness is the default setting for human beings. No state of being takes less energy to maintain than openness. When you feel truly safe you will prefer to be open and to use your energy to deepen your relationship and enjoy life (My thoughts with The Heart of Remarriage, page 42, 43).

Sherry