Rescuing or Being Passive

Sometimes a spouse enables bad behavior by rescuing their mate from a behavior instead of confronting the issues leading to the behavior itself. This is caused by the inability to distinguish love from rescue. A marriage with a rescuing spouse will often manifest repeated patterns that can include one mate’s alienation of love, or apologizes for the other’s behavior, among other things. One feels ownership for the other’s selfish attitudes. A passive person when initiative is required avoids conflicts, hoping they will go away. All too often a passive person doesn’t change because somewhere there is an underlying fear of their spouse. This then will cause recurring patterns of emotional distance. It’s often like a game where one partner is chasing the other to get love and a connection, or the active spouse feels like they have to solve all the problems that arise. This happens when there’s a lack of integration. Disintegration refers to the inability to see your spouse as both, good or bad while also being able to live in that reality. Here’s the point: A couple who is not integrated are most often unable to appreciate their mate’s good points, and too often they won’t even look for good points. The issues that need addressed are the ones that repeatedly divide you. If you make time for addressing the problems, WITH A HEART OPEN FOR LISTENING, you are likely to find great relief during this process. This will be a time when you will be glad that you are going to finally not avoid the thing you both know was the problem for creating the distance your marriage has been experiencing. With all that’s within you, start facing the issues head-on. Get a mindset to be ready to deal with what has been ruining your emotional connection. It’s hard advice to follow if you choose to stay in your selfish mode. Because truthfully, that’s the crux of the problem (My thoughts with Rescue Your Love Life, pp. 27, 28). Sherry